The Honest Truth - Being Single at 30

Am 30 years old and single. Ohh and I am an African which means I need to get my ducks in row. So you might ask, Neema, why are you still single? well number one, I haven’t met the right man - easy response.

That is the question on everyone’s lips from my mother, father, friends and even family. I am a single black, successful, educated woman who loves her career more than relationships. I have to admit though; it took me a while to get to where I am. A place where I fully accept myself whether am single or in a relationship. And for me, it is even tougher to give my time to relationships because I am always working and traveling.

We all know as an African, it is very rare to be my age and still single. Everyone asks if I am looking for the moon, my simple answer is yes, I am looking for “Christian Grey” minus the whips and chains :) And don’t blame me, a girl can dream!

On Monday, I was chatting with a male friend of mine who lives in Seattle and he is almost 40 and not married or in a relationship and I asked him, why are you single? he told me, he hasn’t met the right one. Granted, we almost dated but I shut it down because he did not feel right for me. He is a man, over 40 and saying he hasn’t met the right one? Go Figure!

Then he turns the conversation and asks me why I am single. I told him, I refuse to settle for less than I am worth. Secondly, I am not in a rush to get married or have kids. I am one woman is who is very interesting. I don’t fancy weddings and even if someday I end up getting married, no one will hear a wedding on my lips. I don’t fancy giving birth to babies instead I prefer adoption. I am happy whether I am with someone or single. I am actually okay with me not getting married because to me, life is more than just babies, career and being a wife. Some people love that life and swears by it - just not for me.

Growing up, I never saw myself being a wife. I always saw myself traveling around the world and changing it one day at a time. Not big changes but small, putting a smile on someone’s face, making their day, telling them that God loves them or even helping financially. It is all about being able to offer yourself to someone else. When some women dream of being wives, having babies, being career driven, I dreamnt of an excellent career that I would use to visit Japan or Sevilla and change people’s lives.

Last year, I was home in Kenya visiting when my dad sat me down and asked me, now that you have everything, a career, education and stable job, when will you get married? I just started laughing. I told my dad, I am not ready to settle down. His question to me was, do you think you are asking for too much? Well maybe I am asking for too much but I know myself. I am a hard-worker. I am an overachiever. I always put in 110% in everything that I do and that’s why I am successful not to mention, I am blessed beyond words. In fact, my Johari Window describes me as being adaptable, friendly, happy, independent, cheerful, intelligent, organized, religious etc…. and even mentions that some of the qualities other people don’t know about me is that I am accepting and brave. It even goes further to show me things that I might not know about me, responsive, tense, modest, nervous all things that are true that I did not know about me.

Armed with all these information, you don’t expect me to be able to sit down and say yes to any man. When you work as hard as I do, you know where it hurts you most and you also know how smart and intelligent you are, it gets boring if you settle for less than what you are supposed to. Some women are okay with that, unfortunately, I am not. And granted, don’t get me wrong, I have areas that I need to improve on, no one is perfect and I have things that I can compromise on when I meet a man that I think I should give a chance to, but there are just some things that I will never back down on.

And I usually tell people, money though a big deal, is not a determining factor for me. You have to be able to show me that you are also a hard worker and smart to make wise decisions, financially or otherwise.

When I turned 30, I wrote a note to myself that I keep going back to everyday when things get tough and I start to doubt myself. It is these things, trusting in God, being greatful and thankful and knowing that I am blessed daily is what gets me through those tough days. So when you start asking, why does she spend all her time traveling and not worried about getting married, just remember some women prefer other things in life than being a wife and a mother. And I am one of those. And yes, I am happy for all the women out there who are happily married.

Signed,

Theadventuresofanafricandutchess.blogspot.com aka Neema